Giving the excuse of saying that I've got no mood to talk is actually a farce; truth is, I don't want to talk. Why? I don't know if they've actually noticed something from my actions, but I feel left out, all the time. As the saying goes, "Nothing lasts forever"; in the Chinese term of phrasing, it says "There's no never-ending banquet in this world". That means at some point, sooner or later you'll be left out, no matter in what situations, of course, I don't even know if such terms should even be appropriate in this, but when it's time for you to disappear, you just have to; for it is the nature of things: all things come and go, its a matter of balance. To be honest, given my nature, I never had many friends within my circle, I only had four friends during secondary school days, one of which sabotaged me in a certain way, and I was the subject of jokes back then.
It's probably that of the sabotaging incident that I stopped trusting anyone totally; or was it at an earlier date? I don't know. No one around me can be trusted since young - only trust in yourself, put too much trust on other people and you end up falling harder than you can imagine. But, trusting aside, this one is totally a separate matter. I always had a feeling that I don't belong in a particular group, like my presence could hardly make a difference whenever I'm with them, always watching and listening to them talk about things, because I totally had nothing to talk with them about; and even that aside, they were closed knitted within them, it suddenly made me feel so..lost; its like that no matter what I say or what I do in front of them, it doesn't really matter at all, I know putting it this way is wrong, since there are certain things that don't really concern me so I don't have to be such a nosy parker and poke my nose into everything they do, or that stuff that sometimes really meant to be private and I want a share of it, it just doesn't seem to be right - of course, its obvious to understand what that meant (This wasn't meant to be offending, it's just that the words that were supposedly to correctly describe the this just got lost in my mind). I wouldn't say that my plight is pitiful - others could have been suffering much worse than I do, and besides, saying such things in this is one thing, it was never meant to show people that I needed pity or empathy; let me tell you, fuck that. I hated such feelings - it only serves to tell me I'm not worth anything, that demeans who I really am, and such feelings are hypocritical in this situation, it just tantamount that I'm like a stray animal that needs to be pitied on. Of course, saying myself to be free of hypocrisy would be false - no mortal is a pure saint, nor a complete sinner; even I myself, who hates hypocrites, am sometimes being hypocritical myself; thats the irony of it - it always serves. Sometimes I think being alone would be so much nicer than being with a bunch of friends - but are you able to pull out completely? No one is able to, especially when you get used to having at least a couple of people around you and then you totally get ignored or cut off from them, there's a sense of loss - but how long it lasts, nobody knows.
Its true that sometimes I seek attention with all my supposedly are-you-trying-to-be-funny actions, but now I'm starting to think its stupid to do all these things. If I'm really being cast aside, no amount of attention seeking actions or whatsoever stuff will bring me back there. Of course, at the end of all this things that I've typed out and a few dozens I haven't listed out, since it'll further agitate any who reads this, how many will be offended, how many will truly be regarded as friends, and how many I-don't-know type of feelings will pop out. But whatever it is, if its meant to end up this way, so be it; trying to salvage it will be much worse than before; even though its a bit hard to break it off should the worse scenario occur, time will heal the superficial wounds and leave a scar in the deeper ones.
